Hey Kid, Before You Eat that Ice Cream Cone, Read the Fine Print!

Do frozen treats come with hidden fees at your house?   Sometimes we as mothers like to give our kids the extras.  An extra bag of popcorn offered here, another 10 minutes at the park granted there...and sometimes we just go completely nuts and make an entire day of special fun for our kids.  I think this is a good thing.  We all could use a little pampering, and our young ones are no exception.  However, all of those extras you offer should not, and do not entitle you to better behavior on the part of your children.  Don’t act like you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about.  You spend a day taking your children to every delightful place they love, giving them every indulgence they ask for, that ought to be good for a least a few “yes, moms” instead of more “no ways!”, right?  Not so fast.  First of all, it’s a little sneaky to load them up with goodies and take them on adventures without at least explaining there are added expectations on their part.  You may not think you are being sneaky or unreasonable as you pile on the extra favors, but the minute you feel even slightly resentful at the first sign of disobedience you need to take a step back and evaluate the situation.  Ask yourself, if I hadn’t just taken Johnny swimming, and then to Braums for ice cream, would I be as angry at him for the whack he just took at his sister?  Secondly, for heaven’s sake, if you are going to be a smooth operator and get good behavior in exchange for these fun-fests, at least get the good behavior out of your children FIRST.  We are talking about little kids here.  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, your children need to obey you because they know very bad things will happen to them if they don’t.  They should obey you because they have a healthy respect for you and because you have consistently shown them that you follow through with consequences (more on that in the next blog) when they don’t obey.  Years ago I heard a very frustrated mother in Barnes and Noble tell her kids, “I’ve taken you to place X and we’ve seen marvel Y, and now we are here getting books and you won’t behave!”   I wonder if her kids knew that the morning’s events were going to come back and bite them.  Guilt trips seldom work on young children; believe me, I’ve tried.

Why Ask Why?

We have all had moments of complete bafflement (is that even a word?) at our children’s shenanigans.   I remember years ago we stopped in at Grandma’s house, and the first thing my children did was to go in the bathroom, get in the bathtub, pull the shower curtain closed, and stomp around like a couple of elephants.  Upon hearing the commotion from my mom’s kitchen, I ran into the bathroom, and promptly put an end to those shenanigans.  One question came to my mind and later my lips after my 2 little elephants had been removed from the bathroom: WHY?  Why did they do such a thing????  What on earth provoked them to treat my mother’s bathroom as their proverbial stomping grounds?

Isn’t this a question we often ask our kids?  WHY?  WHY did you hit your sister?  WHY did you think that the chocolate sprinkles would be the perfect addition to the already seasoned raw shrimp in the colander, just waiting to be placed in a hot, well oiled skillet? 

Well, I think I have one answer to all of those questions.  If you are thinking, “Because my children are aliens sent to earth to drain me of all mental acumen and energy!” then you are wrong.  Sorry….The correct answer is because your children are impulsive, and don't always think of the consequences of their actions.  So when you witness the dumb things they do, or will do (those of you who haven’t had a WHY or WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING moment, don’t worry, you will) save you and your child a little time.  Don’t ask them why they are acting in a foolish manner.  Instead, tell them they are acting in a foolish manner, or a selfish manner, if that is more applicable.  When your best dinner plate is being used as a Frisbee, first of course confiscate the Frisbee, and then say something like, “A dinner plate is not to be used as a Frisbee.  You weren’t thinking about what would happen to that plate if it would have fallen.”  Then use this opportunity to talk to your child about what the word “impulsive” means.   Instead of asking little Tommy why he hit his sister, tell little Tommy the reason he hit his sister was because he was angry with her, and when he gets angry, he does things he shouldn’t do.

I think it is good to ask older children why they have behaved inappropriately.  However, I would use the question as a starting point, to guide that child to an understanding of his own impulsiveness, selfishness, etc.  In other words, ask a series of questions that leads him to the realization that he, and no one else, is to blame for the behavior.  There are always superficial reasons our children give, as to why they do things.  However, with a few prodding questions, their motivations come to the surface.  I will say this is true of adults who behave badly as well.  I often want to give excuses for my poor behavior; however, at the end of the day, I know it is my own selfishness that causes me to behave in an unkind or inappropriate way.

Finally, asking a young child why he has done something, when you really already know the answer, is not going to get the problem resolved any faster.  Your child is not going to give you a good answer anyway.  He will not say, “I flushed Katie’s Barbie head down the toilet because, first of all I am impulsive and incredibly curious, and second of all, I wanted to see Katie cry because I am selfish and have trouble empathizing with my sister.”  9 times out of 10, if you are really honest with yourself, you KNOW why Johnny flushed the Barbie head.  You only ask WHY, as I did of my own children when I came upon the stomping elephant bathroom scene, because you are frustrated, exasperated, and only able to utter one syllable.  

There are many times throughout the day to ask your children questions that begin with why.  To get their little nogans thinking, ask, “Why do you think we should wear our jackets outside?”  “Why do you need a bath?” is a perfectly wonderful question to ask a precocious 4 year old.  “Why are the leaves falling off of the trees?” would be another great question, and you get points for exposing your child to some science concepts at an early age.  Gotta love that.  As for me, the question of my day is: Faithann, why did you eat a pint of icecream at 2 am?  Because I’m a tad impulsive, perhaps?