OBEDIENCE: THE ONLY LOGICAL CHOICE

We all want our kids to obey.  We want it to be easy for them to obey.  Sometimes we can say certain things or do certain things to make obedience difficult for our children.  Make your home, your words, your actions, everything send a message to your children that the easiest and most advantageous action is obedience.  Make disobedience such a nasty affair, that your children give up on it.  I know that sometimes there is willful disobedience in our children.  The willful disobedience comes when your child has flat decided he is not going to obey.  You can do everything right and still elicit willful disobedience from your children.  You have to deal with that, it comes with the territory.  However, sometimes our children disobey because we haven't made it easy for them to obey.  Unwittingly, we can make obedience an uphill battle, instead of the choice that makes the most sense.  When I'm searching out information about a given topic, I like to find the information in a list format.  For example, "Ten Easy Steps to avoid eating Chocolate Pie" or "Five Things to say instead of ( you can fill in the blank ....)."   So here are two lists to make obedience easy for your kids.

DO THESE FIVE THINGS:

1. Expect obedience.  Simple, but if you can get this one down, follow the rest of my advice or not, chances are your kids will obey you.

2.  Be consistent!  The rules are the same and consequences always follow act of disobedience.

3. Watch what you say and how you say it.  Be clear in your instructions, so your children have no excuse to disobey.

4. Establish good habits in your children.


5. Praise your children when they obey.  A few carefully chosen words of commendation can go a long way when raising kids to respect you, and to fear God.

DON'T DO THESE FIVE THINGS :

1. Employ guilt or sarcasm in order to elicit obedience.  Guilt doesn't work because children are immune to it (maybe they give them a shot at the hospital or something) and sarcasm doesn't work because children don't understand it.

2. Set unreasonable expectations.  For example, if your child is only 3, don't say, "Go clean your room."  Instead, go with him in his room, and say, "Put all of your dirty clothes in this basket.  Pick up these papers and put them in this folder.  Put all of your legos in this bucket."  It's more work, but the room will get clean, by your child, not by you at a later date when you just can't take it anymore.

3.  Count.  Please don't count.  Instructions should be given with the expectation they will be obeyed.  Your child doesn't need a "consideration" period.  This is what your child hears when you count:
1 -  Your disobedience is acceptable to me.
2 -  I'm  irritated, but your disobedience is still acceptable to me.
2 and 1/2 - Now I'm very angry, but your disobedience is still acceptable to me.
3 - Now your disobedience is UNACCEPTABLE.

4.  Make excuses for your child's disobedience because someday, even to you, the excuses will wear thin.

5. Pontificate.  Don't give your children, especially young ones, long pontifications about the reasons behind your rules.  You are only inviting an argument. 

Now go give your kids a hug and resolve to make obedience their only logical choice!

Stuart Smalley Revisited

This blog is one that I have previously written, but was posted on a my own website that I am no longer using.  My apologies if you have already read this one.  For those of you who haven't......

Do you remember the Stuart Smalley character on Saturday Night Live a number of years ago?  He was a motivational speaker/self help guru that ended his words of wisdom each week with a look in a mirror and the mantra:  I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!  Well Mr. Smalley, I have my own mommy mantra, and it goes a little something like this: I’m good enough for my child, I’m smart enough for my child, and gosh darn it, my child doesn’t always have to like me! 

1.  I’m good enough for my child.  I truly believe mothers, especially those raising young children, should here this every hour of every day.  Those precious little ones you are trying so hard to raise in the “fear and admonition of the Lord” were given to you by the Lord himself.  You are the best parent for your child, not your neighbor, your best friend, or your well meaning relative that seems to have child rearing all figured out.  As a child of God yourself, you have the big picture in mind.  The love you have for your child encompasses more wisdom, knowledge, and godliness, than the love your child has for you, at least now.  You have the Bible as the guide that steers you in your course.  The only guide your child has most often is his own happiness.   So take heart in the fact that your child is in good hands; yours!

2.  I’m smart enough for my child.  Did you know that 99% of the time, you will make better choices than your child?  While our children are equal in worth, they are not equal in the “wisdom” department.  This may be fairly obvious, but when tensions are high, or the tantrums are many and we let our emotions take over, there is a tendency to forget just how foolish children are.  I’m not trying to denigrate your children; I’m simply presenting a realistic picture of them.  One of the great tasks you face as a mother is to bring your child from the known, to the unknown.  What are those concepts your child knows?  He knows instant gratification.  He knows self.  He knows “what’s in it for me?”  In contrast, what are those concepts that your child does not know?  Self-sacrifice, empathy, serving others, and delayed gratification just to name a few.   Don’t negotiate with your child in order to bring about compliance.  He doesn’t bring anything good to the negotiating table.  Evaluate your policies, and make changes as you see fit.  Just be careful that you do not let your child, through clever arguments or horrendous tantrums, alter your expectations.  You set the bar, not your child.

3.  Gosh darn it, my child doesn’t always have to like me!  If you heed my advice above, your child will sometimes not like you.  That is OK.  If fact, children who live in the land of overindulgence are at great risk to fail as adults.  No matter how hard you try, you cannot possibly keep your child happy 24/7.  First of all, children have some pretty lofty and complicated ideas about what makes them happy.  Second, sometimes, through no fault of their own, no is just the best answer.  The sooner they understand this very important reality of life, the better off they are going to be.  Avoid the habit of trying to “soften the blow” of no too often.  Don’t feel like if he can’t have the $50 box of  Legos you need to give him a consolation prize.  Of course every now and then or even sometimes it’s fine to say no, and then offer something else.  However, if your child expects to be offered a “plan B” every time he cannot have want he wants, you have set a dangerous precedent.  Don’t forget, the older children get, the more expensive his desires become!   Don’t take it personally when your child wails and laments his “unfair” treatment or hurls baseless accusations your way.  Take this behavior for what it really is; pure rebellion and unwillingness to submit to your authority.  Put an end to the nonsense by handing out a severe and memorable consequence, instead of compromising or placating.  The wailing and accusations will be sure to return if that is your course of action.

If you have been reading my blogs, and are concerned for my own children (because my advice seems strict or harsh), I can assure you, your fears are totally unwarranted.  I let my children out of the closet most days, and on rare occasions let them intermingle with other mortals.  My children would sing my praises until the cows come home, if I would let them speak.

An Educational Philosophy

Over the years, I have heard so many stories about public schools.  I have heard anecdote after anecdote from various friends, or friends of friends concerning their experiences with the public school system.   I have 12 years of my own public/private school experience in which to reflect as well.  Every story I hear or memory I recall makes me so thankful I can homeschool my own children.  I've not heard a story yet that makes me wonder if my kids are missing out by being home with me.  I think this is remarkable.  Over the last 6 years, I've not heard one account in which private or public education comes out a winner.  I know there are good teachers, and I know there are good schools.  However those teachers are good in spite of the public education system, not because of it, and those schools are the exception, rather than the rule.  I can say this despite only having first hand knowledge of one or two public schools.  I don't need to know each particular school in depth, because it is the educational philosophy behind public education that is the problem, not the individual schools themselves.  My public school diatribe cannot end without an educational philosophy of my own.  So, here it is:

I teach my children to obey, for without obedience they will grow up fools.

I teach my children about the cross of Christ, for without the cross they are lost.

I teach my children about the grace of God, for without grace their guilty consciences have no hope.

I teach my children the 3 Rs, for without them they will grow up ignoramuses.

I teach my children discernment, for without discernment turmoil will follow them.

I teach my children to be kind to others, for a life lived without kindness is a life of death.

I allow my children to pursue what interests them; standing in their way would be unthinkable.

Hey Kid, Before You Eat that Ice Cream Cone, Read the Fine Print!

Do frozen treats come with hidden fees at your house?   Sometimes we as mothers like to give our kids the extras.  An extra bag of popcorn offered here, another 10 minutes at the park granted there...and sometimes we just go completely nuts and make an entire day of special fun for our kids.  I think this is a good thing.  We all could use a little pampering, and our young ones are no exception.  However, all of those extras you offer should not, and do not entitle you to better behavior on the part of your children.  Don’t act like you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about.  You spend a day taking your children to every delightful place they love, giving them every indulgence they ask for, that ought to be good for a least a few “yes, moms” instead of more “no ways!”, right?  Not so fast.  First of all, it’s a little sneaky to load them up with goodies and take them on adventures without at least explaining there are added expectations on their part.  You may not think you are being sneaky or unreasonable as you pile on the extra favors, but the minute you feel even slightly resentful at the first sign of disobedience you need to take a step back and evaluate the situation.  Ask yourself, if I hadn’t just taken Johnny swimming, and then to Braums for ice cream, would I be as angry at him for the whack he just took at his sister?  Secondly, for heaven’s sake, if you are going to be a smooth operator and get good behavior in exchange for these fun-fests, at least get the good behavior out of your children FIRST.  We are talking about little kids here.  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, your children need to obey you because they know very bad things will happen to them if they don’t.  They should obey you because they have a healthy respect for you and because you have consistently shown them that you follow through with consequences (more on that in the next blog) when they don’t obey.  Years ago I heard a very frustrated mother in Barnes and Noble tell her kids, “I’ve taken you to place X and we’ve seen marvel Y, and now we are here getting books and you won’t behave!”   I wonder if her kids knew that the morning’s events were going to come back and bite them.  Guilt trips seldom work on young children; believe me, I’ve tried.

Why Ask Why?

We have all had moments of complete bafflement (is that even a word?) at our children’s shenanigans.   I remember years ago we stopped in at Grandma’s house, and the first thing my children did was to go in the bathroom, get in the bathtub, pull the shower curtain closed, and stomp around like a couple of elephants.  Upon hearing the commotion from my mom’s kitchen, I ran into the bathroom, and promptly put an end to those shenanigans.  One question came to my mind and later my lips after my 2 little elephants had been removed from the bathroom: WHY?  Why did they do such a thing????  What on earth provoked them to treat my mother’s bathroom as their proverbial stomping grounds?

Isn’t this a question we often ask our kids?  WHY?  WHY did you hit your sister?  WHY did you think that the chocolate sprinkles would be the perfect addition to the already seasoned raw shrimp in the colander, just waiting to be placed in a hot, well oiled skillet? 

Well, I think I have one answer to all of those questions.  If you are thinking, “Because my children are aliens sent to earth to drain me of all mental acumen and energy!” then you are wrong.  Sorry….The correct answer is because your children are impulsive, and don't always think of the consequences of their actions.  So when you witness the dumb things they do, or will do (those of you who haven’t had a WHY or WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING moment, don’t worry, you will) save you and your child a little time.  Don’t ask them why they are acting in a foolish manner.  Instead, tell them they are acting in a foolish manner, or a selfish manner, if that is more applicable.  When your best dinner plate is being used as a Frisbee, first of course confiscate the Frisbee, and then say something like, “A dinner plate is not to be used as a Frisbee.  You weren’t thinking about what would happen to that plate if it would have fallen.”  Then use this opportunity to talk to your child about what the word “impulsive” means.   Instead of asking little Tommy why he hit his sister, tell little Tommy the reason he hit his sister was because he was angry with her, and when he gets angry, he does things he shouldn’t do.

I think it is good to ask older children why they have behaved inappropriately.  However, I would use the question as a starting point, to guide that child to an understanding of his own impulsiveness, selfishness, etc.  In other words, ask a series of questions that leads him to the realization that he, and no one else, is to blame for the behavior.  There are always superficial reasons our children give, as to why they do things.  However, with a few prodding questions, their motivations come to the surface.  I will say this is true of adults who behave badly as well.  I often want to give excuses for my poor behavior; however, at the end of the day, I know it is my own selfishness that causes me to behave in an unkind or inappropriate way.

Finally, asking a young child why he has done something, when you really already know the answer, is not going to get the problem resolved any faster.  Your child is not going to give you a good answer anyway.  He will not say, “I flushed Katie’s Barbie head down the toilet because, first of all I am impulsive and incredibly curious, and second of all, I wanted to see Katie cry because I am selfish and have trouble empathizing with my sister.”  9 times out of 10, if you are really honest with yourself, you KNOW why Johnny flushed the Barbie head.  You only ask WHY, as I did of my own children when I came upon the stomping elephant bathroom scene, because you are frustrated, exasperated, and only able to utter one syllable.  

There are many times throughout the day to ask your children questions that begin with why.  To get their little nogans thinking, ask, “Why do you think we should wear our jackets outside?”  “Why do you need a bath?” is a perfectly wonderful question to ask a precocious 4 year old.  “Why are the leaves falling off of the trees?” would be another great question, and you get points for exposing your child to some science concepts at an early age.  Gotta love that.  As for me, the question of my day is: Faithann, why did you eat a pint of icecream at 2 am?  Because I’m a tad impulsive, perhaps?